I'm tired of it all

I'm tired of counting calories. I'm tired of manipulating my macros. I'm tired of worrying about what can I eat that's ok for my food plan. I know other people don't act this way. Surely other people don't obsess over every little detail of food. Is it low-fat enough? Is it low-calorie enough? When is enough, enough?

I'm thinking of doing a modified low-carb diet. Nothing drastic as keto, but less than 100 carbs a day. Just for one week to see how things go. I can't keep gaining weight. I was the same today at 373. I'm terrified of waking up a year from now and being back at 524.  I don't know why I can't eat so many healthy carbs that other folks can. I see people eating potatoes and rice and bread and I'm so jealous. I've been trying to eat "healthy" and eat WFPB more. I just can't handle eating all these starches. I know that's what's making me gain weight. Is there something wrong with me? I've been watching Dr. Fung talk about insulin resistance and I believe I have it bad!

I've got to get rid of some of this weight. I don't have a choice. I'm not going to live much longer if I don't lose weight. How many old people do you see at my weight? I don't know if I've ever seen any. My first goal is under 350 lbs., then 300. I haven't seen 300 lbs. in almost 15 years. You know I keep thinking what if I cause myself another stroke, but how long do I really think I'm going to live at this weight?

630am: 2 mini low-carb tortillas + 1 MSF breakfast patty +  1/4 c. egg beaters + 1/2 tbsp. coconut oil + 1 tbsp. taco sauce + 1/2 c. Trop50 OJ (w/elderberry juice) + 1 c. earl grey

 * 260 calorie breakfast and I feel great! I miss a little breakfast in the morning when I eat light for dinner the night before. I've been trying to do the longer fasts and I'm tired of feeling hungry all the time. I'm surprised the egg beaters didn't make me sick this morning.

915am: 1 c. green tea

11am: 1 protein drink + 1 oz. pistachios

1:45pm: 1/2 c. raspberries + 1 1/2 oz. cheese + 2 c. stir-fry veggies + 1 c. baby kale + 4 cloves garlic + 1/2 c. red cabbage + 1 tbsp. sesame seeds

3pm: 1 atkins coconut bar

6pm:   Quorn chick'n patty + 2 c. broccoli w/ cheese

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total calories: 1811 (hmm...I ate more calories today, on the higher end, but feel good)
Morning weigh-in: 373
**12 hour fast
**30 min. pedaling

I am the definition of insanity

Insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That's were I'm at right now. I'm watching what I eat, focusing on no added fats, more veggies and what I get? the water game. Weight up today to 373.

I. GIVE. UP.

I don't know what to do. I keep eating what I think is "healthy" and "low-fat" and "low-calorie" and the scales aren't budging except to tell me how much salt was in my food the previous day. I'm even fasting around 16 hours a day and nothing changes! My God, what is wrong with me????

I have a Dr. appt Friday to re-test my thyroid. My dr. reduced my Synthroid in December since my labs were too high. On an interesting note, she called in the generic which I've been on now. I've been on actual Synthroid for years. I can't remember why now, but there was a problem with the generic and that's why I had to do the actual Synthroid. I'm anxious to have my labs done. On a good note, I finally finished my amoxicillin today.

I miss the weight loss from eating keto. I don't miss the mini-strokes. I just can't believe that a diet of 70% fat (no matter what that fat is) can be healthy. And I do believe it contributed to my TIAs. But God I miss the weight loss. It was so easy and I wasn't hungry all the time. I know there is a vegan keto, but again, how can a diet of 70% fat be healthy? really? I did it as a vegetarian out of desperation and lost a lot of weight. I don't want to go back down that road, but what choice to I have? Surgery or keto again? I don't think my body likes all these carbs. I've been getting great blood sugars and great blood pressure readings, but damn--no weight loss!

630am: 1 c. earl grey

9am: 1 c. earl grey

1130am: 1/4 c almonds + 1/2 c. pineapple [230 cal: 20 g. carb, 16 g. fat, 7 g. protein]

1pm: 3 oz. potatoes + 1/2 c. rainbow carrots + 1/2 c. raspberries +  2 c. stir-fry veggies + 1/2 c. purple cabbage + 1/4 onion + 4 cloves garlic + 2 cups baby kale (all stir-fried in broth, no oil!) + 1 tbsp. sesame seeds + 1 quorn chick'n patty [361 calories:  68 g. carb,  4 g. fat, 17g. protein]

630pm: taco salad (2 cups kale salad + 1/2 c. refried beans + 1/4 c. whole grain brown Spanish rice + 1/2 c. roasted corn + 1/2 c. Boca crumbles + 1 tbsp. diced jalapeños + 6 tbsp. salsa + 2 mini white corn tortillas "toasted" for "chips") [419 calories: 83g. carbs,  6 g. fat,  24 g. protein]

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total calories: 1010
**17 hours fasting

Disgusted

372.2 Why did I even think it wouldn't go up again today. I'm disgusted. My back is killing me today from bending over & lifting too much yesterday in my zest for cleaning house! I really don't want to have to go back to the chiropractor again.

1030am: 1 c. diced potatoes w/onion/peppers ("fried" in broth) + 1 MSF breakfast patty + 1 c. earl grey + 1/2 c. trop50 OJ (w/elderberry juice)

1215: 1 banana

105pm: refried bean tortilla (1/2 c. refried beans + mushroom/onion/green pepper/salsa) on low-carb tortilla w/ 1 serving (1/2 c.) brown rice Spanish rice (more salsa!)

325pm: 1 c. SF hot chocolate + 2 fig newtons

625pm: 2 c. low carb taco soup w/ 1 tbsp. Tofutti sour cream

I'm not eating "low carb" but these are foods we like.

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calories: 1406
16 hour, 30 min. fasting

Tired of this

Weighed in at 369.6. I'm betting it will go up tomorrow AGAIN. I'm so tired of this game. It's a cold wet yucky Saturday, so I plan on staying in and cleaning house today.

1030am: 1 slice toast + 1 MSF breakfast patty + 1 banana + 1 c. earl grey tea

1230pm: 2 c. Instant Pot Potato soup + 1 slice toast

6pm: 1 c. angel hair pasta + 1/2 c. plant-based alfredo sauce + 1 Lightlife Bratwurst sausage + mushrooms/onions/garlic

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calories: 1584
15 hour, 30 min. fasting

Feeling of empowerment by fasting

I need to write down exactly how I feel today. Day 3 of being back on the fasting game, and I feel so good. The first day I thought I'd die. Yesterday was a struggle at times. But today, I'm feeling really good. I need to remind myself that when I fall off the fasting wagon and struggle to get back with it. I was actually doing pretty good until I got sick 3 weeks ago and then it all went to hell. My weight is the same today, 371.2. That doesn't make me happy, but I hope it's at a "cap" and will start to go back down again now. I'm sooooo tired of the water weight game with no real weight loss.

I think I've found a winner for lunch. I'm really enjoying the stir-fry with all the veggies and garlic. I suddenly love garlic! I'd eat more than 4 cloves at a time, but I don't want to kill off my co-workers. Well, not yet.  I'm still working on the portions for lunch. My brain says it's not many calories (about 330 calories and that's counting the banana and raspberries!) and I can eat more, but my stomach says otherwise. I still can't decide if I'm eating too little or too much. How can it be this complicated?

630am: 1 c. earl grey

830am: 1 c. earl grey

12pm: 3 oz. boiled purple potatoes + 2 c. stir-fry veggies + 1/2 c. purple cabbage + 4 cloves garlic + 2 cups baby kale (all stir-fried in broth, no oil!) + 1 tbsp. sesame seeds + 1/2 c. raspberries  + 1 bananas + 1/4 c. almonds 

5pm:  beyond burger (no bun!) & onion + 3 oz. potato wedges baked with spices
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total calories: 1263
** 18 hour fast
**30 min. pedaling
**morning weigh-in: 371.2

Keep on Fasting!

Weigh-in this morning: 371.2 …. and so continues the water game. I woke up last night to go to the bathroom and thought I would never go back to sleep. I realized I was hungry. I seriously laid there for a good 30 minutes debating on whether or not I was going to get up and eat. A sandwich! Yes, I was thinking about a fat sandwich. (I was really hungry!) But I kept thinking it would ruin my fast. LOL. I can't believe that's what kept me from eating. Finally after another hour, I went to sleep. I'm aiming for 18 hours today.

630am: 1 c. earl grey

830am: 1 c. vanilla chai tea

12pm: 1 c. green tea

1245pm: 3 oz. boiled purple potatoes + 2 c. stir-fry veggies + 1/2 c. purple cabbage + 1/4 onion + 4 cloves garlic + 2 cups baby spinach (all stir-fried in broth, no oil!) + 1 tbsp. sesame seeds + 1/2 c. raspberries  + 1 bananas + 1/4 c. almonds + 1 quorn spicy chickn patty

Note to self: still too much food! I thought cutting down on the potatoes would help today. I need to eat part of it and wait I think. I feel okay after eating, but within an hour, my stomach is hurting (too full.) 

6pm:   2 Gardein vegan turk'y cutlets + 3/4 c. mashed cauliflower + 1 slice Italian bread w/ 1 tsp. "butter" (earth balance) + 1/2 c. OJ (w/elderberry syrup)

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total calories: 1239 
**18 hour fasting
**morning weigh-in: 371.2
**30 min. pedaling

God help me. I don't know what to do!

My morning ritual has now become to make a bet how much my weight has gone up since the day before. Today was no different, no surprise. 372, up a lb. from yesterday. That's now 13.4 lbs. in the last 10 days. (16 lbs. in 15 days!)  Honest to God, I don't know what to do.

My legs were so swollen last night, I thought my skin would burst. I should have taken a picture! Needless to say, I was up 4 times to go to the bathroom last night. Gee, I don't know why I feel so crappy today. I don't know much about lymphedema, but it sucks.

I drink about 8 glasses of water (or tea) every day. I don't add salt to my diet. Some days, my feet are not so bad, then days like yesterday, my whole leg up to my knee is swollen and the skin pulled tight. I couldn't even pedal last night because of the swelling. My feet were killing me. I'm tired of living in pain.

I'm going for 17 hours fasting today. That will put me eating at 12noon, I'd really like to hold off to 1pm. I'm discouraged. I guess that's obvious. I know the water weight is up and down, but there is no steady down showing I'm losing any weight. I've tried to be honest with myself I think. I don't feel like I'm eating too much, but when I see the pictures of my food I wonder, in spite of the low calories. Could I not be eating enough? I've been watching Dr. Jason Fung on YouTube and he talks a lot about low calorie restricted diets and how they actually lower our metabolism. Should I be eating more? Sometimes I think I need someone to tell me what to eat and when to eat it.

I get so angry when I try to go through my Facebook support groups when people talk about how much weight they're losing. "All I did was switch over to a plant-based diet, and the weight began dropping off." UGH. I can still hear my grandmother from years ago saying, "I don't know why you're so fat when you don't eat much." Neither do  I.

630am: 1 c. earl grey

9am: 1 c. earl grey

1pm: 1 light multigrain English muffin + 3 fieldroast vegan "soysages" +  6 oz. boiled purple potatoes + 2 c. stir-fry veggies + 1/2 c. purple cabbage + 1/4 onion + 4 cloves garlic + 2 cups baby spinach (all stir-fried in broth, no oil!) + 1 tbsp. sesame seeds + 1/3 c. raspberries  + 2 bananas (my bananas were speckled and going bad, so I ate 2 for lunch)

Note to self: waaaayyyy too much food at one time. I think my stomach is going to burst. I need a nap! LOL

630pm: "beyond burger" on bun w/ 1 tbsp. hellman's vegan mayo and onion + 1/2 c. black grapes

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total calories: 1262
morning weigh-in: 372
**18 hour fasting
**30  min pedaling

Time to FAST, no excuses

Of course the scales are back up 2 lbs. I give up. I'm looking back at pictures of my food and I feel like I'm eating a ton. No wonder I can't lose any weight. And I've run out of excuses for fasting. Yeah, it sucks, but unless I do it regularly and around 18 hours, nothing works.

I had a bit of a spiritual awakening this morning. First thing in my Facebook feed is fasting...on a Christian post. Why do we act like fasting is a dirty word? Yeah, I hate being hungry. I can make all the excuses I like for why I can't keep it up, but the truth is I hate feeling hungry. I like eating. I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with that. Our bodies were designed to run on food. Food is not the enemy I keep telling myself. But my body needs some discipline and a "reset". Fasting is the way to do that.

I'm doing a 16 hour fast today to break my body back in. I'm at 13 1/2 hour here at 8:30am, and I'm feeling hungry. I can feel the hunger pains and the nausea starting. I'm going to fix myself a cup of tea and tell my body to shut up.

630am: 1 c. earl greay

9am: 1 c. green tea

1130am: 1 light multigrain English muffin + 3 fieldroast vegan breakfast "soysages"

1230: 2 c. Pepper Pot soup + 1 tbsp. Tofutti + 1 spicy quorn chickn patty + 1 banana

630pm: 1/4 pkg. Gardein vegan teriyaki chick'n + 2 c. stirfry veggies + 1 c. jasmine rice + 1/2 c. Trop50 OJ (w/elderberry syrup)
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total calories: 1180
morning weigh-in: 371.2
**16 1/2 hr. fast
30 min pedaling

Eat the rainbow, not sandwiches!

I know I've been eating a lot of sandwiches lately. Not enough to gain 10 lbs., but don't get me started. I can tell when I don't feel good I want to eat sandwiches and burgers at home. I looked over my food for the past two weeks and I've eaten around 800-1500 calories a day, depending on how I felt. I just realized I've been sick for almost 3 weeks! Anyhow, so how does that equal a 8.8 lb. weight gain? WTH? Yesterday was 371.8, today is 369.4. That's almost 2 1/2 lbs. in just one day. We all know I didn't lose that much, so what is this water weight game I keep playing? I'm pissed off because no matter what I eat, I don't lose any weight. I go back and forth with the same 10 lbs., month after month.  I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I feel like crying. I feel like a FAT failure. I go see Jill next week and I'm dreading it. Not her, just admitting that something is not working. I feel like a big fat failure, an idiot who can't lose weight. It's like, it's obvious to everyone else what my issue is, why can't I see it? Am I eating too much??? Is that really it?


630am: 1 light multigrain English muffin + 1/3 tbsp. earth balance + 1/2 c. raspberries + 1 c. earl grey + 1/2 c. Trop50 OJ (w/tbsp. elderberry syrup)

11am: 1 banana + 1 c. earl grey

1pm: 6 oz. boiled purple potatoes + 2 c. stir-fry veggies + 1/2 c. purple cabbage + 1/4 onion + 4 cloves garlic + 2 cups baby spinach (all stir-fried in broth, no oil!) + 1 tbsp. sesame seeds (+ leftover raspberries from breakfast) + 1/4 c. almonds

6pm: 6 oz. baked potato w/ swiss chard (hard to measure but about 1 c. cooked) + 1/2 c. salsa + 1 quorn chickn patty

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total calories: 1279
morning weigh-in: 369.4
* 30 minutes pedaling

Sunday....I might live!

I have felt like total crap for two weeks now. My food plan has sucked. Yet as I look back over what I've eaten, I'm only eating like 1200 calories a day. BUT YET my weight went up almost 10 lbs! I really don't understand this. I just want to cry. If I was living on fast food and chips, I could get it, but really, what is going on here? I've been drinking tons of water for the past two weeks because of I feel so dry. It's not 10 lbs of water!! I got on the scales this morning and couldn't believe it! 371.8! Two weeks ago I was at 363. I just want to scream!

On a good note, today was the first day I've felt better in almost two weeks. Finally the antibiotic is working.

1130: 1 light multigrain English muffin + 3 fieldroast "soysage" links + 1/2 c. Trop50 OJ (W/tbsp. elderberry juice) + cup of earl grey

2pm: small thin individual pizza crust w/ red & green peppers, onions, 1/4 c. plant-based alfredo

630pm: beyond burger on bun w/1 slice onion + 3 oz. potato wedges baked in oven w/spices

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total calories: 1447
morning weigh-in: 371.6

Blah Saturday

No food pictures for the past week. I have felt like crap and feel like I've eaten like crap. I know this isn't crap compared to 99% of the population, but compared to what I usually eat, it is! When I say I eat crap, it's sandwiches and very little veggies!

1030am: 1 c. Trop50 OJ (w/tbsp. elderberry syrup) + 1 c. earl grey + 1 light multigrain English muffin

1pm: 1 banana

330pm: 1 baked potato w/1 c. broccoli + 1/4 c. salsa

730pm: 2 slices SF 100% whole wheat bread + 4 slices tofurkey + 1 tbsp. vegan mayo

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total calories: 1280
morning weigh-in: 371.8